Pinoy Profile: Shoes of a Fisherman’s Son
I have read and heard about many definitions of poverty in school and life. But I had to be really drowned by its all encompassing might to truly understand it. I can try, but it’s seems like I can never thoroughly put into words how it has shattered my life. It is difficult to describe the fear that comes with it which haunts me every single day. It is a fear that most young people would not understand, or would simply say “ get over it and deal with it.” But, unless they walk in my shoes, it is not something that other people can easily understand.
I feel the need to express my story because somehow it helps to ease my fears even though it may not be of interest for others to read. I am 18 and struggling to finish school, struggling to survive and struggling to provide for my family at a young age. Sometimes, I feel like a much older man.
I live in a barrio with my two sisters and my mother. We have no other known relatives close to us and only have ourselves to depend on. Our father was a fisherman, but is no longer with us. One stormy night, my father insistently went fishing with his other fishermen friends because we badly needed the food and money. Unfortunately, when you’re poor, sometimes safety does not become an option or there are times when you do not really have options.
His fisherman friends came back from that trip, but he never did. They say a big wave hit their group and simply just scattered them. As they regrouped, my father was not to be found and remains missing till this day. I can still remember how my family and I reacted when we were given the news. It was as though time stopped for us and the silence was so deafening. After that, my mother didn’t say a single word for weeks. And then, she just started to act strangely – talking alone to herself and sometimes just laughing and crying unpredictably.
My mother was diagnosed as schizophrenic. She still suffers from schizophrenia and has been sent to a mental institution for treatment. I rarely visit her. Aside from financial reasons, I dread looking at her eyes. They just stare at me in total blankness, with no emotions or sense of recognition. I do not know what to feel towards her anymore. I love her but I wish she could have been stronger. The last thing I needed when my father died was to lose my mother as well. I feel that my mother just gave up, but how could she? There are so many times that I long for a parent to confide in or just for someone to cry on when things get extremely hard. But I have no parents now, and must become the parent at a young age.
I do not know if working hard to finish school is worth my time and don’t know if it will ever get me anywhere. I have almost nothing, aside from my own perseverance but the life of a typical student seems so unreal compared to my life today.
School did nothing for the relationship with my girlfriend. She left me for another man because she felt that I was not giving her enough time and that I do not take her to places for fun. But, I am too busy with work and school. She just couldn’t see all of my earnings either went to her or my siblings and that I can’t even spare some for myself. I want to tell her this, but it is pointless. Her new boyfriend seems to be well off and is capable of taking her to places and giving her nice gifts. There is nothing that I can do to compete with her new boyfriend. Instead of making a big scene, I loved her enough to just let her go. I want nothing but the best for her, even if that means that my heart is broken and the hurt that I feel from her loss just does not stop hurting me.
When I see my brothers and sisters struggling and hungry I want to just disconnect from life but I know that if I end my life, I almost end theirs as well. Life seems so unfair. Everyday, most young people just worry about what to wear, where to go for a night out with friends, where to eat, or how to do a homework problem. Those seem like such trivial problems when I am worried about having enough money to feed what’s left of my family today.
I only have two thoughts now that I must deal with each morning. Shall I continue the struggle or do I just end it up the fast way. For a long time I have decided to go for the harder option because of Hope and Love for my family. But I just don’t how much more my young heart can take. I don’t know how to make things right. I only know how to get through the day and maybe at the end of the day, we’ll have enough to eat. I don’t really know how much longer I can keep it up because part of me is asking what about me? What about my life? What about my love? What about my future? Sometimes, it feels like I will not have my own life, love or a future. I feel so alone at times walking in the shoes of a poor fisherman’s son.
(photo by: Pic Galore, Video: YouTube – John Legend, “Everybody Knows”)
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