Confessions: Sometimes I Feel Like Running Away

I am a single mother of three children without a husband. I think I am one of those women who tolerates a man’s irresponsibility and inability to be a good father and husband because of my extreme devotion and love. But, I think in the end I matured and saw through my blind devotion.

I was raised in Cebu and had a secure job with a very good company after graduating. But then, I fell in love, married and bore my husband three children. Unfortunately, my husband was less successful in his career and maybe he secretly resented me for having a good job. After our third child, he decided to take us to Mindanao where he hoped to obtain a good job. I willingly left my secure job because I believed that it would be worth the sacrifice. I believed that it would be a new beginning and the start of a financially stable and new life for our family.

But my dreams were soon shattered. The children and I were left in a small shack. Often I would not see my husband for days at a time, and when he did come home, he was usually drunk. He would stay for a while and then leave again, without providing us with any money for the family. This was a very difficult time because there were no neighbors or stores nearby and I felt abandoned in the wilderness.

After a while, I soon came to fear his visits home. Instead of food, money or support from my husband, he came home with a violent temper. In his drunken rage, he would beat us and make all sorts of wild accusations. As time passed, his temper grew worse. When he beat us, I would try to protect the children by taking the punches and kicks that were meant for them. Although they hurt greatly, the thought of them landing on my children was a bigger fear for me.

Finally, I could not bear it any more. I was desperate. One day, I just went out and decided to beg and borrow whatever I could to go home to Cebu. Fortunately, I met a kind and generous soul along the way who did offer to help me escape from my husband and the terrible situation that we were in.

I can still remember the feelings that I had when the boat reached the pier in Cebu. It felt like I had been deprived of water for many days, and for the first time I was drinking the cool water of safety and freedom. I took my children home with me to my mother. We did not have to say anything to one another, she could see in my eyes what had happened to me. We simply hugged and I felt relieved to be safe once again.

I never saw or heard from my husband again. Today, my mother and I are struggling to support one another and our three children. It is difficult for my mother who now has a heart condition. I was unable to get my old job back and work as a social worker. Even though her health is not the best, my mother helps out by taking on part-time work as a maid. I also do part-time work and do manicures and pedicures. I even cook foods and desserts for sale to help make ends meet.

Sometimes, I miss my old job and think about what it would be like again to be single, with a good job, and no family responsibilities. I feel guilty for having thoughts like this. My children are doing very well in school and have grown up to be good and obedient children. But there are times when I feel like running away again from all of the challenges that I must deal with in life. It isn’t easy being a father and mother to a family. It isn’t easy going through life with no days off from work. To support my family, I cannot afford the luxury of a leave.

Sometimes, I feel guilty for running away from my husband. And I pray for the strength to see each day through to support my family and not run away from that responsibility. I just inhale and exhale and try to make it through the day doing the right thing. I remind myself constantly to keep on going … and to inhale and exhale from one moment to the next and to carry myself and my family through to the next day. All I can do is hope that one day, I won’t have to remind myself to inhale and exhale through life’s struggles. Maybe I will never see that day, but if I can make all the sacrifices, perhaps my children will never have to do what I am doing now.

– Anonymous

(photo by Ophelia, YouTube video: Leona Lewis “Better in Time”)

No related posts.