Love and Relationships: My Gay Lover

I am Romeo, and I have been having an affair with a man for 5 years now. Yet, I am married to a woman for 7 years and she does not know anything about this illicit affair.  I have reached the point where my guilt is bothering me and I feel like I have to ultimately choose between them. Which relationship should I save?

Romeo (27, Cebu City)

Romeo, you have been unfair to both of the people you’re having a relationship with. It is sad that it took you a long time to realize the consequences of your decisions. Perhaps, the guy that you are with may tolerate and accept that you have a wife. He may even tell you that he would rather be in this situation than be left by you.  But that is still no excuse and is truly not fair to him. And then, what about your wife and family? If you have children, you have to be man enough to put them first. They should be a higher priority than your physical or emotional needs. 

So, which relationship should you save?  I’d say that your first priority lies with your family. However, if you have no feelings for your wife and family, then I am concerned that it may eventually lead to a more detrimental or ill relationship. You need to honestly look at your feelings. What do you really want? Who is the true Romeo – father of a family or a gay lover? I think you need to talk to your wife about it. She deserves to know the truth about you and be part of the decision that you make.

– Apple

Romeo, I feel that you are being selfish. You are more concerned about your feelings of guilt than the feelings of your two lovers. You should be concerned about your responsibilities, but you seem more concerned about how you feel and what is best for you. You say “ultimately you must choose.” In other words, you don’t care about your actions until the day when you feel like doing something about it – when it’s convenient to you.

My opinion is that you need to make a decision soon, not when you feel it is going to be convenient to you. Your responsibilities to your gay lover are emotional. However, your responsibilities to your wife are emotional and legal in nature. I cannot decide for you which relationship to save, but I hope that you are man enough to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions.  I am sympathetic to your problem of being a gay man in our society, but if you are just using your wife and family to provide yourself with a disguise to appear straight to your friends, family, and co-workers then I have no sympathy for you at all.

– Michael

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