Pinoy Profile: Seeking the Stairway to Heaven

Vanissa is sometimes called “Kim” by her close friends. The name reflects her Korean-Pinoy heritage. Her father was Korean, but passed away when she was just two months old. The stars must have fallen from heaven that day, because Vanissa has spent the rest of her life trying to find the stairway to heaven that might bring her together again with the ones that she loves.

The youngest of the five children, Vanissa was born in the Philippines at a time when her father was relocating back to Korea. However, his sudden death left the family split apart. She and her mother remained stranded in the Philippines, while her older brothers and sisters had already emigrated to Korea. In the same way that she was denied the love of her father, she has also spent her entire twenty years of life separated from her two brothers and sisters.

When her mother remarried, it seemed that life would begin to take a turn for the better. Her new father already had children, and for a while it seemed that she would finally have a complete family for the first time in her life – with a father and siblings. But the dream began to crumble when it became clear that her new father did not really want her as part of his new family.

At the age of nine, it was difficult for Vanissa to understand why she could not fit in the new family. It was impossible for her to comprehend that she was a constant reminder of her mother’s past life in the mind of her step-father. At that age, it was difficult for her to understand that she looked different from her step brothers and sisters because of her Korean blood. And, it was also the case that Vanissa was too much of an additional financial burden to a step-father with limited resources.

It was even more difficult for her when the tension with her step-father reached a point that Vanissa was abandoned and placed in an orphanage. Who can imagine the mind of a child seeing a father and family vanish before her very eyes once again? It is impossible to comprehend the pain in the heart of a child to be abandoned a second time by a father and family. And this time, even her mother was now taken from her. Vanissa was alone, with only tears and sorrow to keep her company at night.

Today, Vanissa can look back at that time philosophically. Her mother had a difficult choice to make. On some days, she feels great sadness, but on most days she is able to accept her fate. It is more important to her that her mother found a better life and happiness. But beneath her smile, it is obvious that her heart cannot forget the hurt felt by a nine year old child.

Her new life with other abandoned children was not completely terrible. She was given shelter, fed and received an education. She formed bonds with her new family, but it too would not last forever. When she was 16, Vanissa set out on her own. Alone, but determined to find a way, she accepted a job at a bar in Manila. For two years, she worked as a dancer and lived in a dorm with other dancers from the bar.

The mamasangs at the bar took her under their wings and treated her like a daughter. Maybe it was her young age, her tragic story or her childish appearance, but the mamasangs “adopted” her and sheltered her from having to go home with the men who frequented the bar. When not at the bar, Vanissa could be found at the local market selling whatever products she could get her hands on. Profits were small, but she developed independence and the will to succeed in life at all costs.

Saving money was difficult. Although she was trying to move ahead in life, she was now  part of a new “family.” This time is was a family consisting of girls at the dorm who had similar life experiences. Survival for this family meant sharing what little resources each of them had with one another. No one had a steady income and went through good times and times with no money at all. Sharing in the few good financial times that might come their way every so often was the only way to survive.

Vanissa attracted one of the many Korean students studying English in the Philippines. He was handsome and seemed to have the economic resources that would take her out of her lonely life and to the Stairway to Heaven that she had always sought. But, the Korean boy was young and surrounded with many other beautiful girls. It was only a matter of time before she realized the emptiness of his love when she discovered him at a disco with another woman.

At first she had hopes that she could win him back. But, soon the Korean boy made another girl pregnant and returned hastily to Korea. At the age of 18, Vanissa may have used up all of her tears. Separation from two fathers, a mother, two families and now from her first love could have filled a river with her tears.

But Vanissa was determined to keep on trying. All the years of crying had given her an inner strength to keep on going on with her life. After the break up with her boyfriend, Vanissa made the decision to leave Manila behind. There were just too many bad memories in that city. She took a ferry and joined a friend working in Cebu in the hope of finding better luck and a fresh start in life.

She usually works two jobs when she can and attends a vocational school in between those jobs. She is now close to graduating with training in the computer sciences. She works hard, studies harder, and has avoided any relationships until she graduates and finds a good job.

Vanissa still thinks of her mother, her only living blood relative in the Philippines. She hasn’t heard from her in over ten years, but still thinks of her mother on special days like Christmas and her birthday. Sometimes, Vanissa spends those days alone because they are sad and tearful days for her. She prays for her mother and hopes that despite their separation, life is good and well for her.

The Korean telenovela Stairway to Heaven is one of Vanissa’s favorites. The song Bogoshipda (I Miss You) from that telenovela is still her favorite song. Despite the difficulties that life has given her, Vanissa still wakes up each day with a smile and determination to go on with her life. She does not know what the future will bring and whether or not she will find a happy life. When told that Stairway to Heaven had a tragic ending with the deaths of two lovers, she only smiles.

“You don’t understand,” she says. “The telenovela is not just about life and death. It is about finding love and learning to make the ultimate sacrifice for love. How can that be a tragedy?”

 (photo: Don Simon, video: YouTube – Kim Bum Soo “Bogoshipda” (I Miss You)

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