Confessions: I Have Everything and Nothing At All

I was born into a very well to do family. There was little that my family could not afford to buy, but somewhere in my youth, I developed a need to do it on my own. My father built up a successful career that made the good life possible for me. And, I was determined to be as successful as he was by working for what it was that I wanted or desired.

Today, my career and business ventures have been very successful. I feel that I’ve accomplished everything that my father did … and more. My wife and children do not want for anything at all. My employees have good and secure jobs. I can have almost any material thing that I desire. In the minds of my parents, my family, my workers and my community I am a self-made success story. From my tailored suits, to our brand new SUV, and our nice home in the best secured subdivision in Manila, it seems that I have everything that a man could want.

But, on the inside I feel a great emptiness. I feel that I have achieved nothing and have nothing. My heart feels full of pain and sorrow, and I often find myself wishing that I had never been born. And there are the days that my life would end so that the hurting would stop.

No one ever sees me this way. My wife believes that I am riding on one success after another. My children feel protected and safe with what I can provide them. My workers have confidence that I will lead them into a positive future where they will share in the good fortune of my decisions. My parents are full of pride over my achievements. And I am respected by my community and asked to speak at many events and affairs as a model citizen.

But for me, success is a burden, because everyone expects my success to continue. I am after a model businessman in my community. There is no room for failure. I must speak with confidence and inspire others, when my mind is full of doubt. I can’t allow myself to fail, too many people depend on me. I must appear strong when I am weak, wise when I make mistakes, and successful even when I fail.

I have a loving wife, but our love feels empty. From the time that I was a young child, I believed in and searched for a love that was true and flawless – just like in the fairy tales. I dreamed of a princess who would love and shelter me from a harsh world. It was Cinderella and Prince Charming who live happily ever after in each other’s arms and completely oblivious to the world around them.

But that is not my marriage today. I carry a cross. I feel beaten down. Instead of joy, I feel one more burden placed upon me. And I wish that I could ride off on a winged horse and be taken to a world with no problems or worries. A world where I do not have to be perfect. A world where I can make mistakes. A world where I can afford to fail.

Maybe I want to be a child again. Full of wonder and desire. Able to make mistakes. And when I make a mistake, someone will hold me in her arms and tell me that it’s all right. That there is nothing to worry about. Someone who will let me cry and comfort me and ease away the pain.

But that’s a fairy tale. There is no princess. And although I feel that I could be someone’s Prince Charming, living a romantic and happy life ever after … I feel alone in this world. Alone, except for the pain that tears at my heart and soul every day.

Sometimes, I wish that I had no family – no wife or children so that I could run away and find my fairy tale. But every morning when I wake up, the children are looking at me over the breakfast table. They are laughing and sometimes arguing with each other without a worry in the world. I wish that I could be like them again. But it is impossible.

I must return to work each day, with all the answers, with all the decisions, and with all the wisdom of Solomon. And it pains me because I am not Solomon. I am just a man. But to protect my children from the pain that I am feeling, I continue on so that they can enjoy a carefree youth. I think that is the only thing that keeps me going. The thought that they might suffer as I do hurts me even more than the pain I feel for myself.

So, it’s another day. And I am the perfect businessman without blemishes, flaws, or missteps. My heart is crying, but everyone sees the image of confidence. I know I should appreciate what I have achieved, but I worry more about when I will eventually stumble and fall. But despite the pain, I don’t know what else to do but to keep on going, hiding my fears and my hurt. I have everything, but nothing at all.

Original Story by Anonymous

(photo by Matchstick, YouTube video: It’s Not Easy To Be Me)

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