Confessions: Sometimes You Can’t Say You’re Sorry

I was accepted in the Philippine Military Academy in 1986. The rigorous training taught me discipline and in a way, the tough commands of my superiors taught me to be badass. They taught me to use a rifle and gave me the courage to take a life. I served my country proudly, but I saw what it did to the hearts and bodies of my friends. Despite the tragedies that I experienced from serving in the military, the tragedies strengthened my courage and made me more disciplined.

I was discharged and entered college in 1992. A beautiful Chinese girl fell for my badass ways. I still walked with a military swagger, and looked ready to take a life if it was needed. Our love was deep and we were soon talking marriage. But we both had our dreams. I had dreams of earning a law degree and she was a competitive pianist. My courage was infectious, and we both felt that there was nothing that would stand in the way of our dreams.

One day, she whispered that we were going to have a child and cried because the responsibility of parenthood threatened our dreams.  We talked for weeks into the night and early morning, seeking an answer and summoning our courage. At the end of her first trimester, we found the “courage” to secretly go to the abortionist in a nearby town.

She would not look me in the eyes afterwards. And even I had a hard time looking at her. It is an odd and almost inexplicable feeling, that with our great “courage” we took those selfish  steps to preserve our dreams. But, somehow our dreams died instead of coming to life. She went back home to China to live with her parents and gave up any chance for the International Music Repertoire Competitions. And, I never went on for the law degree.

We wrote each other daily for a while. Then weekly. Then monthly. Then her letters just stopped coming. Sometimes, I still think of her and that “courageous” decision that we made so many years ago. Every once in a while, I hear a familiar tune and realize that it is one of those which she would fondly play when we were together. That always brings back a flood of memories. I hope she never allowed her passion to go to waste. And, I hope she had a good life after that. But I am not really sure.

As for me, I have a new life now and a new start. But there are so many instances of trying to say “I’m sorry” that still are in my memories. No, I’m not sorry that we parted , in fact it was too hard to be with her when we couldn’t look at each other. Today, when I am sitting alone in the dark, when I try to say I’m sorry, I am try to speak to my child that I never had. I always choke on the words and seem to be drowned by my thoughts of guilt. It’s so hard to say I’m sorry to a child who never had a chance to be here to experience life, happiness and even the pain of being alive. And it is all because I had the “courage” to take that life.

The military taught me a lot about courage. But it took my own life experience to learn about being a coward and how sometimes we mistake it for courage.

Original Story by Joey

YouTube Video: Elton John, “Sorry Seems To Be the Hardest Word”

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